I have been thinking a lo about TIME these days, which perhaps is no surprise. Time passes and that's that. It's just been going very, very quickly, as I am sure you are noticing. I remarked to Zak this morning that I feel like I overslept in 2008 and I am about 15-20 minutes late for everything.

As I was falling asleep I was kind of thinking about acting and well, you know, how I fit in with the rest of the community here in LA. There's this young actor on a show that Whit really likes that has a role that's a real career starter. He's pretty good, he's good looking, and he's intelligent (he used to be an accountant, quit to be a model and actor, and now he's got a great series regular role on a primetime show)--and he's 26. I'll be honest--I'm not 26. I don't even want to be 26, but you know, you hear about how LA is obsessed with youth, blah blah blah--and I guess that's true, the extremes are certainly out there with all the plastic surgery and that kind of thing. But it's also just a place where young people gravitate towards, not unlike San Francisco and New York. You just kind of notice it a bit sometimes. I auditioned for a role to be a co-host of a Tech show where I was supposed to be a tech expert who knows how to help businesses with their technical infrastructure, who reads Wired magazine, who knows tech culture and what's happening in the tech world. I was basically auditioning to be me, right? The audition, which was just an interview with legitimately technical questions (what kind of freeware security software is out there? what kind of backup infrastructure should small businesses think about? what kinds of machines would you recommend?) went great--this is my life--but I also knew that they were looking for someone in their late 20s. And I told them that I was not in my late 20s and also told them that they didn't want someone in their late 20s, that they wouldn't know as much as I do. And it's true! I defy the vast majority of actors in LA to setup an office in afternoon. But if I don't get the role, I bet I know why...!

Of course, of course, in many ways, age is an illusion. Charisma, energy and optimism can really shift people's perceptions. But every once in awhile, you think about it, at least in this profession. The flipside, of course, is that as you get older, you tend to reflect on your choices and your history and wonder, "was this right?" It's useless, of course--but those thoughts can sneak into your head as your brain settles into sleep. I thought about it last night, how I have definitely been at the party and showed up at the right time, but I feel sometimes like I was in one room having a great time talking to people, then hearing uproarious laughter in the room next door. Once I finally made it into that room, the joke was over and though the people were still there, things had moved on. But still, the party's great, right? Life is good.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the difference between "hope" and "expectation". I was actuall talking with my mom last night about this and we basically discussed how expectation, as a rule, is an illusion, a situation or reality that basically can never come true as one imagines. Take the typical New Year's Eve dilemma--oftentimes, people will have expectations of the crazy party they finally decided on, or whatever plan they made, and most of the time, it will go differently (better or worse) and the expectation will probably not be fulfilled. However, hope is far more general and a lot more open-ended. You can hope you have a good time, but you are not expecting a good time, and the stakes become lower, more manageable. My mom suggested that expectations, being so much more personally specific, are driven by the ego, which makes a lot of sense. We also discussed this in acting class, where Brian remarked how he thought it was crazy for actors to come into LA expecting to have a career just open up to them with in a year or two, that things would just work out and all would be great. You can hope things work out, but you certainly need to be patient, certainly need to relax with the expectations so your hope can be maintained. I also think that it's been really interesting how Obama has been using the concept of hope to rally his supporters--it's easier for groups of people to agree on hope than expectations.

Ah, Friday morning thinking.

I have some cool things happening this weekend, but I am going to keep it a secret. Believe me, if it all works out, it's gonna be very, very cool and actually a nice checkmark in my little "to do in my life" book. Should have something to tell you in a few weeks.


What else? Oh, I am reading Pictures at a Revolution by Mark Harris. It's awesome.

Oh, and my uncle Toby just came out with a new book. He's been getting a lot of press on this. Let's see...the book is called Our Story Begins: New and Selected Stories. The press has been incredible. Check out this interview on KQED's Forum and this article from the LA Times Book Review. It's always amazing, really, to reflect on just how amazing a writer he is. It's really been amazing to watch his career and talent and legacy, really, grow as time has gone by. Very inspiring and proof, real proof, that if you just stick to it, you can do what you want.

Okay! two posts at once. I've got a lot of write today so I will end this here. Have a great weekend...

Tags: life, acting, people

Zak and I playing records a while ago, probably 1999 or something.
I wasn't working out back then, I guess.

A varied and harried day today. Work is stacking up and it's all manageable, there are just a lot of things happening and it's tempting to just sit back and let other people drive some of these efforts, but I am not that tempted and, anyway, I have an opinion about it and I want to get in the mix. It's good to be busy, but just once, it would be nice to be busy building a set or painting a very large painting or building a house or something more physical. My eyes are red not because of allergies or anything fun, I am just staring at screens really intensely right now. Stupid.

I got gently freaked out when I read that basically when you turn 30, it's half time, life is basically half over. At 30, your major organs start to decline, etc--it's all here. And, like, okay, I know--what's the point of worrying about growing older? Time, remember, is the absolute variable, uncontrollable and persistent, literally nothing one can do about it. We can improve the moment, sure, but we can't slow the sucker down. Now, I am not really freaking out, but I do admit, I really dislike the idea of growing older and pretty much have been that way all my life. I want to say it's related to not wanting to miss out on things, but...it's more about making sure I do what I want to do, to get what I want out of life. It does remind me of what Ravi said about life being a bottomless pit, where you keep adding experience after experience but are never satisfied, and kind of like what Steph was mentioning, how there is never a plateau in life, where you get to a certain place and it's all clear and easy from that point on. So life is an uphill battle as you slowly slide downhill.

Now, I do feel an artificial stress about this because of the acting career, I will readily admit. I am constantly reminded, several times a day, of someone younger getting some movie or booking some role, etc. Yesterday while I was waiting around for a callback, I listened to the other guys, all clearly older than me (3-5 years), discussing the parts they didn't get, the house they couldn't afford, the short films they were working on, etc, etc, and I gotta admit, it's distressing, you know? This one guy was talking about how it was getting so slow that he was looking for a regular job, that kind of thing. I mean, I have a regular job that I actually like, and I am always talking about how grateful I am to have a life like this, but it really did drive it home. Acting is not a good fit for people who have to responsible to other people. So rough. And it's 10 times harder for women, absolutely, so it's selfish of me to even worry about it, to be honest. My thoughts return to my upcoming visit to Santa Clara, where I have to talk to the students about the business of acting. I mean, I remember when older folks would warn me about how hard it was, how impossible it was to make a living, etc, and thinking, "Yeah, maybe it's hard for you, but [for some reason] I'll do okay." Well, you know what? I am doing okay--it's just been a very different path to this "okay" than I imagined.

Such is life, right? You have expectations of the future, expectations that are not based on any kind of real fact or experience, and then you get let down when things don't go according to this made up plan? You gotta let it go..Stumbling Upon Happiness talks about this in detail, actually, I need to finish it.

The one thing I know I will talk while I am there is the importance of actually taking care of your physical person. Not only because of the obvious benefits of a healthier heart and looking fit and healthy and basically better on camera/on stage, but because taking care of yourself is actually something you can control and be proactive about in the acting business. I may not be able to control whether or not I am going to book any of the last three spots I just got called back for, but I sure as hell know I can make spinning tonight so I don't get all chubby and tired looking for future auditions. The illusion of control, I think, is something that artists of all kinds need. Maybe not full control of everything, but something related to their craft. Painters can control their brushes and pencils so their tools will not fail them when inspiration strikes. Writers can control where and when they write. Musicians needs to make sure their instruments are in tune and ready to go. We can control aspects of our lives so that when opportunity strikes, we are ready. For actors and dancers and singers, we rely, heavily on our mind, our breath and our physicality. So, when I look at that picture above, I can at least appreciate the fact that even though I was younger and my internal organs were supposedly more efficient or whatever, I know for a fact that I am in the best physical and mental shape of my life, because I work out 4-5 times and do yoga 3 hours a week. And, happily, I don't do it because I have to, but because I want to--I actually really enjoy it, it makes me happy and fulfills very important aspects of my life...and that's the best way to approach any task, whether it's writing an article, singing a song, sketching a face, or teaching a class.

Speaking of which, it's time to get back to that work.

Tags: acting, life