Zak and I playing records a while ago, probably 1999 or something.
I wasn't working out back then, I guess.

A varied and harried day today. Work is stacking up and it's all manageable, there are just a lot of things happening and it's tempting to just sit back and let other people drive some of these efforts, but I am not that tempted and, anyway, I have an opinion about it and I want to get in the mix. It's good to be busy, but just once, it would be nice to be busy building a set or painting a very large painting or building a house or something more physical. My eyes are red not because of allergies or anything fun, I am just staring at screens really intensely right now. Stupid.

I got gently freaked out when I read that basically when you turn 30, it's half time, life is basically half over. At 30, your major organs start to decline, etc--it's all here. And, like, okay, I know--what's the point of worrying about growing older? Time, remember, is the absolute variable, uncontrollable and persistent, literally nothing one can do about it. We can improve the moment, sure, but we can't slow the sucker down. Now, I am not really freaking out, but I do admit, I really dislike the idea of growing older and pretty much have been that way all my life. I want to say it's related to not wanting to miss out on things, but...it's more about making sure I do what I want to do, to get what I want out of life. It does remind me of what Ravi said about life being a bottomless pit, where you keep adding experience after experience but are never satisfied, and kind of like what Steph was mentioning, how there is never a plateau in life, where you get to a certain place and it's all clear and easy from that point on. So life is an uphill battle as you slowly slide downhill.

Now, I do feel an artificial stress about this because of the acting career, I will readily admit. I am constantly reminded, several times a day, of someone younger getting some movie or booking some role, etc. Yesterday while I was waiting around for a callback, I listened to the other guys, all clearly older than me (3-5 years), discussing the parts they didn't get, the house they couldn't afford, the short films they were working on, etc, etc, and I gotta admit, it's distressing, you know? This one guy was talking about how it was getting so slow that he was looking for a regular job, that kind of thing. I mean, I have a regular job that I actually like, and I am always talking about how grateful I am to have a life like this, but it really did drive it home. Acting is not a good fit for people who have to responsible to other people. So rough. And it's 10 times harder for women, absolutely, so it's selfish of me to even worry about it, to be honest. My thoughts return to my upcoming visit to Santa Clara, where I have to talk to the students about the business of acting. I mean, I remember when older folks would warn me about how hard it was, how impossible it was to make a living, etc, and thinking, "Yeah, maybe it's hard for you, but [for some reason] I'll do okay." Well, you know what? I am doing okay--it's just been a very different path to this "okay" than I imagined.

Such is life, right? You have expectations of the future, expectations that are not based on any kind of real fact or experience, and then you get let down when things don't go according to this made up plan? You gotta let it go..Stumbling Upon Happiness talks about this in detail, actually, I need to finish it.

The one thing I know I will talk while I am there is the importance of actually taking care of your physical person. Not only because of the obvious benefits of a healthier heart and looking fit and healthy and basically better on camera/on stage, but because taking care of yourself is actually something you can control and be proactive about in the acting business. I may not be able to control whether or not I am going to book any of the last three spots I just got called back for, but I sure as hell know I can make spinning tonight so I don't get all chubby and tired looking for future auditions. The illusion of control, I think, is something that artists of all kinds need. Maybe not full control of everything, but something related to their craft. Painters can control their brushes and pencils so their tools will not fail them when inspiration strikes. Writers can control where and when they write. Musicians needs to make sure their instruments are in tune and ready to go. We can control aspects of our lives so that when opportunity strikes, we are ready. For actors and dancers and singers, we rely, heavily on our mind, our breath and our physicality. So, when I look at that picture above, I can at least appreciate the fact that even though I was younger and my internal organs were supposedly more efficient or whatever, I know for a fact that I am in the best physical and mental shape of my life, because I work out 4-5 times and do yoga 3 hours a week. And, happily, I don't do it because I have to, but because I want to--I actually really enjoy it, it makes me happy and fulfills very important aspects of my life...and that's the best way to approach any task, whether it's writing an article, singing a song, sketching a face, or teaching a class.

Speaking of which, it's time to get back to that work.

Tags: acting, life